My Heart

I Need Poetry

2004-12-14T16:09:00.000-05:00

Lately my poetic compositions have not gone much farther than lame 4 lined rhymes like:

It rips at my heart And tears at my soul I'm falling apart No longer whole

There is something called forgiveness which I would like to impart. There is no way I could hate you, it's just not in my heart. What you did to me is terrible, but life can go on. I just pray from this day forward your life sings a sweeter song...

or stuff that doesn't make much rhythmic sense like:

My heart is confused and my soul is hurting. My mind is shattered and life has become a lost cause. What is a girl to do in such a situation? Turn from the darkness and step into the light Turn from the darkness and you'll be alright...

No one is ever there when you need them, but when you decide nothing matters anymore everyone rushes to your side to rescue you from something that has already devoured your soul...

I need to write a poem!!! I'm so desperate for poetry. I'm hungry. I need a good piece. I read other people's poetry and I wonder what happened to my inspiration. I hope I find it soon.

Obliquity

2004-10-16T16:22:00.000-04:00

This poem is old. I read it at the Poetry Jam on Tues.

spinning all around
in a world full of darkness
chaos coming from every way I turn
innocently believing
that you are there to help me
I'm susceptible, when will I ever learn?
I open up my heart
for you to step right in
will you take it and run with everything I have?
Or will you embrace the love I give you
offering yours back to me
So that what I have dreamed will come to be at last?
will you be the light that will lead me?
will you be the love that will free me?
will you be the one to break the spell that's cast?
will you be my future?
will you be my forever?
will you be the one to take away the past?
Until this revolution ends,
until this turmoil ceases,
until I am enlightened and obtain knowledge of your ways
Until I gain sophistication,
until this illusion becomes transparent,
until my world is brightened and I am no longer in a daze,
I will step back into obscurity,
I will become aloof
my reticence a shelter
from the utter confusion
that seems to want to consume me
my vagueness like a locked door
to which you wish you could have a key
to open up and figure out this labyrinth of perplexities
Circumvolving in this cradle of humanity
Isolation, seclusion, and murkiness-
they do encompass me
Impulsively concluding
that your mundane existence
is to succor this being;
my very essence
to you I am proffering
will you abuse this precious gift
or seize it
perceiving the forlornness with which I have denuded it?
I shall choose to hide behind a wall of reconditeness
until I have descried your form and my misimpression
that is if I have misconceived your purpose
and all of your intentions
I look into your eyes
and wonder what has carried you here
is it a desire to love - or deceive
that has brought you near?
You and I alone on this terrestrial sphere
is it you that I should trust...
or you that I should fear?

You Know Who You Are

2004-09-20T23:21:00.000-04:00

I've lost a part of me that could never be replaced.
There is a pain in my heart. I long for it to disappear.
I just need a friend. Someone to hold me through these times.
Don't you care about what it is that I'm going through?
Why can't you just be there to support me?
Why did you have to walk away?
I thought things would get better. I felt that maybe you'd understand.
Was I wrong? Or is it just that you don't have the guts to face your feelings?
If you ever read this know that I am disappointed in you.
I thought our friendship would grow.
I wasn't interested in anything more.
I don't know why I felt so much in such a small time
I miss you
Please talk to me
We can put the past behind
My hand is stretched out to you
But you have to make the move to accept it

I Love You

2004-08-18T13:24:00.000-04:00

I want to share my love with you
I could never imagine loving anyone else
I want you to know how much I love you
I will never love anyone else
More than you
I can't explain what it is that I feel in my heart
It's almost beyond love
But what is beyond love?
If I could find some way to express it to you
Maybe then you'd know
It's more than physical pleasure
That you bring me
It's not something that could be expressed
In my attempts to gratify you
It surpasses my desire to be with you forever
It's much deeper than my coveting your love
It exceeds my comprehension
And transcends anything
That I ever knew had breath in my soul
I love you
Yet, it’s more than just "I love you"
But there isn’t more that I can say
To make you understand
The profoundness of what I feel
So it must be simply put
I love you

A Poem to You

2004-08-05T16:52:00.000-04:00

I don't know why writing poetry has to be so complicated
Lately, I can't just pick up a pen and write
I wanted to write something to let you know how I feel
I think maybe I'll just stick to letters
I used to be a poetic person, but it doesn't seem that way anymore
I'd give anything to be with you this moment
I don't wanna be corny or too romantic
Nothing mushy or overly sensual
I just wanna say what I feel and be done
Not to have sit and think
I don't want to ponder on how to express it
So...
I love you
That's all there really is
I hope you know it's from the bottom of my heart
And with all my soul that I say
I love you
More than anything
Don't ever forget it and hold on to it
If no one else wants to be there
I am here and...
I love you

This is to...um...Josh...I guess? I dunno...I'm confused.

2004-08-05T16:38:00.000-04:00

My heart is breaking,

My life is fading,

My soul is slowly slipping away...

I'm lost and empty,

Torn and hurting,

Waiting for a brand new day

I don't remember when I wrote this, but I just made it up one day to put up as an away message. I didn't feel like talking and this is how I felt.

Joy of Life

2004-03-18T21:40:00.000-05:00

Life seems to fade
No joy, no hope, no love
I open my eyes and see
Kindness has surrounded me
Gentle confidence
And a joy for life
Suddenly I'm happy and in love
Darling, let's dance
You are the pleasure in my life
Now I see the sunshine
Let us waltz through the day lilies
What greater joy can there be?
I'd be a fool if I ever let you go
You are my ecstasy
Let us tango by the night jasmine
Intoxicated by the fragrance
Of love
Frolicking in a bed of roses
You and me
Swaying to the rhythm of...
The joy of life

I wrote this to Josh yesterday. I was listening to the song "The Joy of Life" by Kenny G. It's instrumental jazz. I think I'm probably gonna send him something for every letter in his name. I keep acting like I'm in love w/him. but yet the other week I told Steve that I loved him. Now I can't really love both of them. So which one is it? I like kissing Josh and he's right here. Steve makes me feel good no matter what and he says that he loves me. He's been saying that for months. He's all the way in Pennsylvania though. That's what kills me. Why can't the best men be withing reach. Why must they always be somewhere in the distance?
Anyway part of this poem had a double meaning. I don't think anybody can tell though. I guess I see it because I wrote it. It's starts with the "Darling, let's dance" Really, I didn't want to say "let's dance," but i couldn't say what I meant without sounding...I dunno I guess I'm not always pure minded. That's not a good testimony. but I'm human, what can I say?

2004-03-16T18:02:00.000-05:00

I feel so confused
I can't understand how I feel about you
I whisper three sweet words in your ear
You express to me your biggest fear
I take your heart into my hands
Pouring on it my selfish demands
You hold me and look into my eyes
I look away not wanting to cry
Is it you that I am wrapped up in?
Or is selfishness my biggest sin?

2004-02-05T16:36:00.000-05:00

When I look into Your word and see what is required of me,
I feel defeated.
I know I've lost my way and it seems I can't find it.
I'm so lost in sin when all I want to do,
Lord, is be lost in You. I feel so empty and all alone,
I say I'm waiting for You to call me home.
Then I remember if I continue in this way,
the price of my sins I'll have to pay
even though you've already paid it for me
and all I have to do is get down on my knees,
ask forgiveness, and let You lead.
You give me hope for a better me.
I know that in You there's hope for a better me

2004-01-21T18:36:00.000-05:00

How can I find myself lost in you?
When you harbor no passionate emotions for me?
Why do I find myself fearful
Of a love that may never come to be?
What is it that my soul is grasping for
When I think I have found it in your eyes?
Where is this yearning coming from?
So strong that I'm willing to tell lies...

"As a Friend"

2003-11-22T23:56:00.000-05:00

I can't seem to get over you
When I do it seems I love you even more
but yet I say "as a friend"
Am I fooling myself?
Have I not become infatuated?
Maybe with the idea of you
More than actually with you
Because when I think of you
I shake my head
Sometimes I laugh at you
I often smile
And in the end I have to say
I love you anyway
But I thought I was over you
I moved on
Got myself someone that I can trust
Finally
Someone besides my imagination of you
Finally
A man who doesn't play games
Then I saw you
Still very attractive
Playing one less game
But you were with her
That's fine
'Cuz I'm taken
But I couldn't help but think
What's she got over me?
Personality?
Or is it because she's white?
Doesn't matter really
I told myself
Just a slight sting
She's not even pretty
But am I?
Of course not
Still...
Anyway,
You're my friend
You told me you would always be
I trust you
Not to mention that I love you
"I always will,"
I told you
"As a friend you know."
";-) ditto"
That was your reply
That little wink
What did it mean?
Nothing.
Of course
The same way you winked at me at camp
Nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
But I can't help but think
Of how much I really do love you
I can't help but wonder
If there ever actually will be something
And then hope that there'll be a day
When I'll be able to tell you
How I really feel
When I'll be able to say,
I love you, Nic
And not have to add
"as a friend"

I can't even remember when I wrote this. I know I didn't write it all in one day. I wrote it sometime between October 27 and November 3. Love is so beautiful. I wrote on the 17th, "I'm amazed and the feeling of love is just so beautiful that after a while it doesn't really matter."

And I Love You

2003-11-13T17:59:00.000-05:00

When you told me that you loved me
I couldn't help but think of how I've felt before
Of the same feelings I embraced deep in my heart
For someone
I thought of how awful it really is to love someone so much
And to realize that they don't share the same feelings as you
To come to the understanding that they never will
And then the stage, which seems to take too long to come,
Of letting go and moving on
I think of how that never really worked
And of how I still feel about this person
But I've come to a place where I can deal with it
Maybe it's because I have someone else to think of
Something else to hold on to
Perhaps it's my dream of the future
Praying that someday he'll see me in the same way that I see him
Then thinking back to you...
How can you love me?
How can you think of me the way you do?
What can you possibly see in me?
I don't want you to feel this way
If I could just make your love for me disappear
I don't want you to hurt
I hurt with you
I hurt for you
And I love you
But not the way that you love me
And that makes it hurt even more than it would hurt
If I never loved you at all
The fact that my feelings only go so deep
And then they stop
It's like being given just one small crumb when you are starving
A crumb that when eaten will make you hungrier
Than you were before
This small piece of my love that you have obtained
When your heart hungers for so much more
Only makes you yearn for more than you would have desired
I'm sorry
And I wonder if I should just turn away
Will that spare you the pain?
Will it be better than for me to reach out and be your friend?
I care about you
I don't want you to carry the burden of unrequited love
You're so special to me; you mean so much
And I love you
But not the way that you love me
And it tears at my heart
That I may never love you the same way

Walk with Me

2003-10-27T16:41:00.000-05:00

I have this secret desire to walk with you in life
just to feel what it's like
to be with you
forever
I want to see how loving you will feel
I want to know how you will love me
will you love softly?
will you love gently?
will you love me slowly?
will you love me tenderly?
my heart wants to belong to you
I look into your eyes
why I feel so shy
i don't know
but I want you to walk with me
down this mile
maybe it will last forever
or maybe just for a time
i just want to know
how it would feel
if you were all mine
so walk with me
down this road
maybe we'll walk on through life
or maybe it just leads to a dead end
I don't know
but we'll never find out
unless this secret of mine
is something you desire too
then you must take my hand
and we'll walk together
down this unmarked path

I wrote this Tuesday, October 14, 2003. 11:43:14 PM. For the first time in a while I've written a poem that isn't even slightly inspired by Nic. Although I was thinking of another guy when I wrote this. Can I write without thinking about any guy? One day I'm gonna be successful in doing that. In the mean time, I was thinking about Josh a little when I wrote this. I was also listening to Norah Jones. I don't know, the lines "my heart is drenched in wine, but you'll be on my mind forever" just struck something in me. LOL. I guess it was the word forever. This poem is dumb, it could be better, but I don't feel like bothering with it today.

Drown

2003-07-29T22:07:00.000-04:00

I feel so tired and somewhat alone
I thought that you would be the one who was there for me
I guess I was wrong
I thought that after the rain was done pelting on my heart
You would be the rainbow across my sky
I thought that when the night was over
You would be my sunshine
But now you've taken the moon and stars away
I'm wandering through an endless night
Wondering if I'll ever find the light of day
Or will I forever wander lost in the dark
A twilight that you have set upon me
I cry a river but it is not for you
For you I have cried this sea
I know you can't swim - and I hope you drown in it

>I found this pic 10/10/04:

I wrote this poem a while ago. Like back in April. I was reading it on Thurs. at camp and I remembered how I felt when I wrote it. I love the last few lines:"I cry a river but it is not for you For you I have cried this sea I know you can't swim - and I hope you drown in it That's how I felt on Thurs. about someone. Don't ask me why because I don't think I could explain it. I guess I could, but it's so dumb! I don't even know if he can swim. He probably can. The way I feel is stupid. I don't feel like I'm stupid, but I think my feelings are stupid. Maybe I should drown in my own sea of tears.

Nothing

2003-07-11T20:41:00.000-04:00

My mind is blank
Like an empty notebook
Waiting to be filled . . .
Filled with my emotions
My thoughts, my hopes, my dreams . . .

I think nothing.
I hope nothing.
I dream nothing.
I feel nothing.
I am nothing
Period

2003-07-07T23:10:00.000-04:00

Happiness is impossible
My eyes are always puffy from the tears I cry every night
And from a lack of sleep
When will I have peace?
My soul is weary
I long to slip into an eternal rest
But yet my heart keeps beating...

2003-06-28T01:43:00.000-04:00

If I could just figure out the feelings in my heart...
If I could just give them a voice...
If I could just use intelligible words to convey my emotions...
But yet I can't grasp my thoughts
They are stated in an incomprehensible fashion
To think that thoughts and sentiment can be controlled...
The heart seems to have a mind of its own
Doing whatever it wants
Loving and embracing whomever it pleases
Gripping my emotions and wrapping them around...
I promised I'd never fall in love
What is this in my heart?
I'm running from myself
My heart was once locked in a cage
Somehow it was let out
I shouldn't have ever set it free
I'm not one to easily fall in love,
But I guess when someone like me finally falls
They fall hard...
Yet I know this isn't true love that I feel
I don't know...
Is it even about love?
I'm having a hard time apprehending...
I'm in love with the idea of loving...maybe...
I feel so flustered
Why must it be this way?
Why can't I explore the realms of my heart
Knowing and understanding the passion that lies there?
Why must I be baffled by the way it chooses to express itself
At unexpected times?
My heart and mind...they don't seem to work together
Sometimes one works against the other
My mind fighting for reason and sensibility
My heart electing to be deaf to the rational conversation
Of my intellect
All of this terminating in fear
So I smother my heart
Not allowing it to breathe or float free
It may not be caged but it is not unfettered
There are shackles on my heart
Perhaps this is why I can't seem to clutch my heart
I'm afraid of beholding the essence of my sentiment
Now I find myself lost
Although I know exactly where I am
My mind and soul should join as one
I shouldn't run and then go searching for myself
As if I don't know where I've gone
The spirit doesn't need logic and rationale to be held
Yet I so desperately seem to be clutching for those very things
Testifying that they will help me to interpret the language that my heart speaks

The Art of Tatum

2003-06-21T18:25:00.000-04:00

I signed on rejoicing over he fact that I succeeded in writing a poem about Art Tatum. I knew that I could write it, but I was having a difficult time. Everybody liked it and they said they are going to put it inside the house. So today my poetry goes down in history. It will remain in the house of the great jazz pianist Art Tatum for all to see. Suddenly though I don't feel like rejoicing though. I'm not very happy. Here's the poem, I just wrot eit last night.

Eccentric harmonies
And striking technique
He played the piano though his eyes were weak
For Adelaide Hall he was an accompanist
Though at heart this performer was a soloist
A superior jazz musician
He was better than most of the rest
Some even say that Art Tatum was the best
He conquered the jazz capital in just one night
Across the piano his fingers gave flight
Runs, staggering harmonies, and quodlibets
Silence, while the musicians tried to catch their breath
None could touch Tatum in his complexity and speed
He had imagination; he planted an innovative seed
Making war-horses sound like new compositions
There is no explanation for his ideas and inspiration
One of the principal laws of nature was defied
He left a vacuum unfilled when he died
Still today, none have been able to take his place
He was a musician whose origins can't be traced
Art Tatum - a musical phenomenon
Gone, but not forgotten - through his music he lives on

Nico

2003-06-12T22:58:00.000-04:00

I'm sitting here missing you
Wondering if I should let go
I hate missing people
I hate missing things
I should just move on and not look back
I thought you were my friend
Maybe I'm easily deceived
I'm just too innocent and naive
Maybe...
Or maybe I just fooled myself
I just wanted to think you cared
I knew you didn't love me,
But I thought perhaps you'd be there
I hate writing to you
I hate writing about you
Sometimes I say I hate you
The last thing I said to you...
"I luv ya, as a friend you know"
What did you think of that?
It had a hidden meaning
You probably picked up on that much
You usually do understand things
You understood more about me than I realized
I go and try to grasp the enigma that is you
It seems like such a hard thing to do
I always think I have all the pieces of the puzzle put together
Then you come and hand me a new more complex one
The same picture with many more odd pieces
I always thought I was the
"Puzzle with every demand
Take me apart and you won't understand
But put me together and you will see
All the different pieces do make me"
Remember?
Or did it not matter enough for you to notice?
I laugh and I smile sometimes remembering you
I act as if it's been years since we've talked
I did chat with you the Sunday before last
But it wasn't long and it had been 2 or 3 weeks before that
Since we had last talked
I hate when the days pass by
And lately I haven't gotten to laugh at your Nicodemusness
I love that word
Do you like it?
There's no other word I could use to describe you
But I can use you to describe so many other things
Things that remind me of you
Things that may be a little off center
Things that I don't understand, but I can still laugh at
Who'd have ever thought a "cyber-friendship"
Could impact someone to the extent that you've impacted me?
I haven't had my daily dose of Nicodemus lately
It was once an addiction
I thought I'd take a break, but I never intended to quit altogether
Maybe it's time
'Cuz I'm sitting here missing you
But yet as I reflect on what you did for me
I'm ready and able to move on
Not to say I'll quit altogether
But I won't have to miss you
And wonder what you're doing at the moment
I won't have to care about whether
You actually wanted to be my friend
Or did I just choose you and you went along with it?

2003-06-12T01:01:00.000-04:00

The winds blow as the storm rages on recking everything in its path. The rain falls, the earth becomes flooded with the tears that fall from her eyes. The silent screams she cries out at night become the howling of the wind. The earth shakes as she begins to tremble with the pain she can't seem to bare. Lightning breaks the sky while thunder rumbles loud as the pain begins to overwhelm her - cutting through her heart like the lightning cuts across the sky. She lets out an audible scream and the wind blows over the earth with the ferocity of ten hurricanes. She quivers trying to hold it all in as the earth quakes and splits open. The rain trickling from the sky becomes the blood dripping from her heart. The tears in her eyes are now dry. Then suddenly all is calm as she lays lifeless. The world moves on forgetting she ever was, but always remembering the storm that was once her pain.